Part of the Process

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Location: British Columbia, Canada

Yeah. I got nothin.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

An Apology to my Daughter For All the Wrongs I Have Not Yet Done - Part 2

Our princess has long, flowing tresses - as all good princesses ought. They follow behind her in a frazzled bun, pointing the way from which she had come. Look! A corner store! Hurry! The red hand is flashing! Feed the fish! Brush the cat! Don't walk out that door... we're not done here yet.

But when the cat was brushed and the fish was fed and the child tucked in safe for the night, Our Princess let down her hair and combed it out, oh so carefully, over the crawling scalp (scalp her!) and down the lengths of copper and bronze and hard iron gray, oh so carefully.

Oh Virgin Mother, so fair, so sweet
Why does your comb have such fine teeth?
For nits, for lice, oh me, oh my
'Tis not for you, but me, I cry.

When did the light at the end of the tunnel become the dime-store flashlight at the end of the sewer? And why? Be homeless, be unemployed, be broke, be miserable - what for?

Just BE.

Friday, October 01, 2010

An Apology to my Daughter For All the Wrongs I Have Not Yet Done - Part 1

Once upon a time there was a beautiful blonde princess who was not so beautiful, not so blonde and only a princess in the eyes of her own mother - herself an ecaped mental patient and owner of an opinion that was, perhaps, not to be trusted.

She had a few things, our princess. She had a signed print by an ex-Olympian turned artist. She had a bald cat which loathed men with a biter passion. She had a precocious seven year old daughter who was already adept at the use of irony and sarcasm as tools with which to bear the weights that Atlas had born, and foisted off on her. (Atlas went for a hoagie and never came back again.)

Where Did Atlas Go?
Food poisoning?
Hit by a car?
Mugging gone wrong?
Maybe he just got sick of it, grabbed his pack, stuck out his thumb and fled. If he made it as far as the Yukon, he could have missed that caravan of snowbirds heading back down to winter in Missouri.

Got a job as a dishwasher at Diamond Tooth Gerties?
Good thing he packed his mukluks.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Dear Blog

I miss you. What have you been doing lately? I'm job hunting, myself. Other than that, well, things have changed since the last time we talked.
Sorry to have left you for so long; I'll fill you in later, after I get The Kid to school.

I'm glad we're taking time to reconnect. It's been too long,


Sunday, February 18, 2007

The Future Is*

Back when I was a drunken, irresponsible slut I always thought that if when I quit that shit it would be replaced with....something. I had this pretty little dream where by becoming a mother, I'd have to grow the fuck up. And in the process of growing up, I'd settle down, quit playing with men, go to school, learn something, and get a grown up job and have grown up relationships and maybe even learn to cook.

And I did it: I quit the drinking, and the fucking, and the irresponsibiliting. And what have I gained?
  • 30 pounds
  • $75,000 worth of debt
  • A complete and total terror of any man I find myself attracted to
  • 2 zits big enough to have feasted on the corpses of every single zit I ever accrued in my teenage years
  • Bad study habits
I call not fair, dammit.

*End of title removed due to copyright violation

Friday, November 24, 2006


Stolen via Pandagon, who did not steal it from Lauren, because I needs to post something on this here blog.

Here's what you do:
1. Open your music library
2. Set settings to "Shuffle"
3. Press play
4. For each entry, type the song that's playing
5. For new entry, press the next/forward button

Editor's note: I reordered this list according to the original, then moved everything that I haven't yet done to behind those things that I have done. Logical, no?

Opening credits: Wolf Parade - Shine a Light
Starts out all optimistic, don't it?

Waking up: The Moldy Peaches - NYC's Like a Graveyard
Appropriate? Well no. I've never been to NYC. Heck, I'm not even American. But hey, it's a good song to wake up to, anyway.

First day at school: Morcheeba - Let Me See
And things start to go downhill....

Life's okay: The Killers - Mr. Brightside
How are we defining "okay" again?

Mental breakdown: Macy Gray - I Try
Okay. This would've worked out better if it was post-falling-out-of-love, but it ain't. Well, ya can't always win on the shuffle, I say.

Birth of child: Snow Patrol - You're All I Have
Well, that's fucking depressing. Let's go back to mental breakdown. Or for a smoke.

Prom: (AKA College graduation, for those of us who kinda skipped out on that whole high school thing) Britta Persson - Defrag My Heart
Heh. That's kinda funny.

Falling in love: Broken Social Scene - Pitter Patter Goes My Heart
Awww. Now that's just sweet. Now I wanna fall in love with something that doesn't need batteries.

Breaking up: Sleater Kinney - Roller Coaster
Well, at least I'll take it well.

Driving: Count Bass-D - Seven Years
I'm taking this to mean that I'm going to have a license by the time The Kid is seven. I hope. Seriously, would someone please lend me a car so I can get my license? (And no, Shadow, it doesn't count if that car perpetually has three raging kids in the backseat. I refuse to practice driving under those conditions, thank you.)

Flashback: Long Beach Dub Allstars - Sunny Hours
I shall flashback to the days when I said "ya'll" every second word. Ya'll right, ya'll?

Getting back together: Broken Social Scene - Swimmers
Hmmm. Two BSS songs in one meme. How unoriginal.

Wedding: (AKA: willingness to commit for life) Lou Barlow - Caterpillar Girl
I have no idea what that means. I'm just a creepy little bugger without a man? The conservatives were right? Who knows.

Final battle: Arcade Fire - Neighbourhood #4
WTF? This is just getting stupid. Ohhhhh...."Time is creeping through the neighbourhood, killing old folks...." I get it. Movin' on. No wait, this song just gets more and more depressing as we go. Well, then, that fits.

Funeral song: No. No way. I'm not doing another BSS song. I'm breaking the rules, and hitting forward again.

Funeral song: Headstones - Tweeter And The Monkey Man
Go figure.

End credits: Death Cab For Cutie - I Will Follow You Into The Dark
Hah! Hah hah! If I'm going down, I'm taking all of you with me! And in a very depressing and emo kinda way! Hah!

So, that's about it. Make your own, impress your friends!

Friday, November 03, 2006

Night of the Inane Comment V (IV? VI?)

Link Farmin'

I got nothin. How 'bout you find it for yourselves:
  • Squirrels: They're here, they're evil, and they're getting worse. Yeah,those little fuckers are cute, but they've stepped it up a notch from attacks on innocent puppies (last years news, find it, I'll give you a cookie), to attacking the neighbourhood postmaster. Yeah; information, it ain't coming free anymore. It's coming your way at the cost of life and limb for some. Fuck anthrax, the squirrels are where it's at. But damn, they're cute. Not as cute as ducks, but close.
  • That's it. I got distracted. By Natural Family Planning. Movin on.
Natural Family Planning

I plan my family naturally, in that the nature of the capitalist system has put me in a position where by my student loans make it unfeasible for me to go out popping out the offspring of the nearest annual boy toy.

Natural Family Planning: Fucking in such a manner as to ensure the certain demise of whatever sperm may kick around awaiting the arrival of a viable egg. Starving those little fuckers into submission, as it were.

Plan B: Fucking in such a manner as to ensure the certain demise of whatever sperm may kick around awaiting the arrival of a viable egg. Starving those little fuckers into submission, as it were.

The logical conclusion? One and the same, say I. The illogical conclusion? Any woman who fucks (but only between days eleven and seventeen) ought to be punished with a child.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'd like to believe that my child is a viable human being, with love, flaws, quirks, and spirit; not a punishment. But hey, I'm a babykilling mofo, so my opinion don't count.
So on to:

How To Kill Potential Zygotes; Canadian Style:

1) Don't use condom. Just don't. Realize that condoms are a mile away from you, and fuck, it's been half a year since you've, well fucked. Pills make you cranky, the shot makes you bleed for six weeks at a go, and the IUD is still pending you finding the time to get your sorry ass to North Burnaby, therefore insuring that this non-condimated fucking could potentially lead to your sorry ass getting pregnant.

2) Do midterms. Do more midterms. Hell, throw in another one.

3) Take a fiver from midterms to scurry up to the drop in clinic.

4) Meet a new doc. He reminds you of your dad. So much, that you find yourself offering up unsolicited confessions of wrongdoings, just so you can revel in that semi-sarcastic, poker faced reproof.
Ahhh, the parents. How we miss them when they choose to allow us to live our own lives.
Ohh, ohh! I smoke a pack a day too! Hell no, make it two!

5) Get prescription for Plan B: yes, said prescription may be unnecessary, but it'll save you twenty five bucks at the till to come with it.

6) Get pill. Commiserate with pharmacist over medical plan's decision to exclude pill from coverage since said pill became over-the-counter.
Fucking medplan.

Movin' on; again.

The American experience:

I phoned my doctors office which informed me that the office was closed and that I had to call the local hospital and have her paged in order to reach her on the weekend. So I called her and had them page her. A little while later she called back and I answered the phone immediately. She sounded tired and really grumpy; I apologized for having to page her for a thing like this and then asked her if I could get a prescription for EC. She explained that I needed to go to the Emergency Room to get it.

He puts me on hold and I sit on the edge of the bed frowning and fiddling with a pen. I wait on hold for 15 minutes before he finally comes back on.
"Have you talked to your doctor?" he asks.
"Yes, I talked to her this morning and she told me to go to the ER" I reply.
"Oh, so she won't prescribe it for you?" he asks.
This possibility hadn't occurred to me. I just assumed that the ER was standard procedure, "Hmmm" I say, "Well, I guess not. It's not just standard procedure to go to the ER?"
"No, not really. We don't really have this happen much."

"Well see," he begins, his voice dropping a little, "the problem is that you have to meet the doctor’s criteria before he'll dispense it to you."
"Criteria?" I question.
"Well," the nurse sounds decidedly nervous as though what he really wanted to do was hang up the phone completely, "Yes, his criteria. I mean...ummm...well, are you ok? Is there any, ummm....trauma?" he asks me.
My face changes expression and I hurry to explain, "No, no" I said, "No. I haven't been raped. This was consensual sex."
"Oh..." he trails off.
I wait expectantly.
"Well, ummm....*clears throat*...So you haven't been raped?" he asks again.
"No. I have not been raped. The condom broke". I state, becoming very frustrated at this point and wondering what the hell is going on.
"Ok, well ummm....Are you married?" he mumbles the words so low I can barely hear them.
"No." I state plainly. "I am not married. I've been in a relationship for several years and I have three children, I don't want a fourth." I respond tersely.
"Oh, I see." He says and then he hurries on, "Well, see. *I* understand. I want you to know that I understand what you're saying. But see, the problem is that we have 4 doctors here right now but only one of them ever writes EC prescriptions. But see, the thing is that he'll interview you and see if you meet his criteria. Now, I called the pharmacy but I also talked to him and well....*clears throat* can come down and try to get it. You know, if you meet his criteria he'll give you a prescription, I mean, there's really no harm in trying." the nurse trails off, his voice falters as I realize what I'm being told.

Folks, the condom broke Friday night and I searched all weekend for someone who could prescribe me EC. It is now Monday and I have to report that I have been unable to find anyone who will write me a fucking prescription for EC.

I have been asked about my sexual practices. Whether I'm 'monogamous' or 'in a relationship' if I'm married, if I have kids, how many kids I have, if I was raped or 'traumatized' but there wasn’t' ONE question about my health. Not one.

How does this end?

Ask Biting Beaver how her abortion went.

Yes, I'm serious. Save a sperm, kill a zygote.

Which brings us to:

Lovin' Life

Don't do it.

"Life". It's not all it's cut out to be. First of all, it's been here, all along. Learn this. Love this. Every time you stub your pinky toe, that's a part of life. When you roll over in the morning, and wipe the crusties from the corners of your eyes, smack your dried out, stanky lips, and slip the curtain back to reveal day three of those one hundred and eighty two days of Vancouver winter rain? That's life.

Don't give up life for "loving life" to it's fullest. "Life" doesn't need you. And "love" doesn't either. Leave them the fuck alone.

I'm not gonna come down to hard on life right now. After a couple of years of trying to live up to a real life, I've recently come back to realizing that it's not so different. What you imagine you live, well, it's no less real than what you live. Have fun. Take a moment out to pretend to be who you really are, and run with it. You'll go wrong, I'm sure, but it'll make a great story.

Fuck you.
Grow the fuck up, and figure it out.
1) "Loving life" does not mean using women as brood stock. Until you've put in your time proving your love of the plankton, you have no say in the love of your own damn sperm. Bigger is better, after all.
2) "Love" is not yours. You can't keep it. You have to give it away. Kinda the rules of the game. So:
  • My daughter is not a weapon that you can use against me, and trying to make her so doesn't prove your "love".
  • You. Your family (Ha! I called them family!) they may not understand how truly evil you are. Maybe The Stepsister did, when she was five. And hell, mayber The Sister, my friend, would have, if she hadn't spent the next twenty years with shit like you. Maybe now she'd know that you're not okay.
  • And you? Biting Beavers physician? I'm gonna throw you in here right after that fucking piece of shit that fucked his five year old step-daughter.
Why? How can you do that to me? I only loved the unborn children!

Because that's not what it's about. You don't love people, you give your love to people. You offer it up on a shiny platter, and squat, humble at their feet, hoping they will accept it from you.

There is no you. In love, there's sheets. In the bathtub, at five a.m., wringing out the vomit, with no anger. There's finding the last sock when you got too damn good at hitting that snooze button. There's the tweak-your-eye this way, then they tweak-their-eye that a way, and the conversation's done. There's the way they look like a newt from a certain angle.

And there's no you. There's no you, deciding that you love them too much to wait for the next thirteen years for them to become legal age. There's no you, making major life decisions for them, there's no you, telling them what they need to do to live up to your love.

Fuck your love.

Fuck it.

I hate your love. And you know what? So does every one of those people you profess to love. I'm not the only one; We All Hate You.

So here's from all the liberal assholes in world, who may not realize that their liberal, or that they're assholes; I don't care. I'm speaking on your behalf:

From T, who doesn't know if her family will stand by her: Fuck you, asshole. You're a pedophilic freak, and it's only so long until you realize that you can't hide from this.

From M, who still doesn't know that wrong is not the only way: Fuck you, Dad; There is good out there. I'm not gonna settle for the idea that everyone is as evil as you. Fuck You Dad. You're nothing but a twisted anomaly, and one of these days I'm gonna figure out that people are Not Like You. And then I'm gonna be okay.

From S: Fuck you, grandma, uncle, dad. I've said it once, I'll say it again. You can't kill my morals; they're here to stay. Living in a dream world, where everything is okay? Yeah, well, it's gonna be, as long as there's more people like me, who don't listen to more people like you. So deal.

From me: Fuck you. I missed the Rockies so much last night that I cried myself to sleep. I want back, I want my home, and I can't have it, because you "love me".
Fuck you for stealing my home from me. Fuck you for taking away the feeling of glacier water on my broken hip. Fuck you for taking three hour games of tag away from Satan's Cat. Fuck you for stealing that first breath of fresh air in the morning, knowing that people paid thousands of dollars to visit what I owned, and that life was perfect.
I woke up last night, dreaming of the piano I used to play at that hotel; and I can't go back there.
Because you "loved me".

From everyone: Fuck all of you who have been in "love". Fuck you for using people to meet your own ends, fuck you for your simplistic justification for fucking over everyone who is worth ten times what you are. Fuck you for not realizing that the reason you need to find something to live for is that yourself....have no life.

You're nothing.

Fuck you.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Best. Song. Ever.

I Started A Blog Nobody Read

Go there, and listen.