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Location: British Columbia, Canada

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Monday, December 12, 2005

Wonder Boy Strikes Again

Harper, you're a god. You are. Good to know you're standing up for the families this election. Because that's what it's all about, isn't it? The Families.
Yeah, you'll give us a sweet $1200 to blow...sorry, spend as we please, so's we can get us the best daycare money ($1200, that is,) can buy. Thanks bud, I owe ya one. And I'm pretty happy to hear that you're not gonna let us families take shit from those nasty assed liberals. It makes me happy to know that it "makes you sad" to hear liberals saying we're gonna blow that sweet, sweet moolah on popcorn and beer, that parents are responsible people too.
Wait a minute, I am gonna blow that cash on popcorn and beer, aren't I? Damn, there I go, living up to the stereotype. But come on, Steve, what do you expect me to do with that cash? Do you know how much beer and popcorn you can get for 1200 dollars? Buckets and bottles, Stevo, buckets and bottles. And daycare? That's 12 hrs worth of a sixteen year old smokin' dope on my balcony while The Kid sleeps. Which would you take? Really?
And now Stevie's givin' it to the mini-jocks. Tax breaks all around, all you Dora wanabee soccer fiends, and head bashing hockey teams. That's cool, cause I could use that tax break to help pay for the gas for the minivan while I cruise the team from game to practice to game again.
Hold on there just one darned minute, I don't own a minivan. Heck, there may be a chance that I may not even be a soccer mom. Come to think of it, when I'm working 60 hours a week just to make ends meet after those student loan payments, there's a pretty good chance I'm not gonna be out of work by 4 p.m., just in time to drive The Kid to practice, is there? And how much are cleats going for these days, anyway?
Well, Steve, I'm sure we can work out a compromise. Tell you what, you look the other way while I'm dosing myself in an endless supply of maize and hops, and I'll find a way to live up to your soccer mom dreams. I'll even wear a short skirt while doing it. Oh yeah, betcha just can't wait to see me on the sidelines, jumpin' up and down in my sexy, soccery, mini, can ya? Keep on dreaming, Stevie.
Well, if Shadow and I get on gettin' on, we'll tie the knot for ya, and then there'll be tax breaks and SUV's for me, baby.
But wait, why do I have to be the soccer mom? I hate unnecessary movement, and screaming's so uncouth. Why can't Shadow be the happy homemaker? Come on Shadow, you're the Christian. Doesn't that make you the non-butch of the marriage of convenience, just by default? Throw in my language failures, and I've got you beat any day. See: fuck, bitch, ass, cunt. I'd say that makes me the bacon bringer, any day.
So it's a deal then, Stevie, you hand over the cash, Shadow can fire up the minivan, and I'll eat popcorn and drink beer.
Oh're not gonna let me marry Shadow, are you Steve? That whole "she's a girl, I'm a girl" thing just wouldn't be very Christian of my Atheist ass, now would it? Crap, keep forgetting about those Christian values, what with the fact that it ain't my fucking religion, and all.
Well Steve, it looks like we may have some kinks in the system after all. No worries bro, I know you're trying, and I've got your back man, just like you've got mine.


Blogger Boo! said...

Is he going to cut taxes for gays too? My, that is big of him, isn't it?

12/13/2005 12:05 AM  
Blogger shadow of a doubt said...

I totally want to stay at home. That way I can get the mail. You'd totally believe that the cheque didn't come in the mail-it never does. I would then campaign for most of the families who receive that cheque to adopt a child abroad. I would dress our children up with bloated bellies and flies surrounding them in demonstration. March them right past those abortion- or sorry, father rights activists. Who is a father at 85 anyways? Well, with all that money flowing out of our economy, he'd think twice. Probably privatize welfare. A subsidiary of Harpers Healing Hospitals, "where pain is for the poor".

12/13/2005 12:47 AM  
Blogger shadow of a doubt said...

I meant 85 year old father of a fetus, save for priests.

12/13/2005 12:51 AM  
Blogger PornStar said...

checkout, now it may be funny to be going to a "police" website but last I checked it was being redirected to an anti-harper website and its funny as hell.

12/13/2005 8:29 AM  
Blogger Impulsivecompulsive said...

Erica: No tax cuts for gays 'round these parts. If you're married to someone who's not working, you can claim them as a dependant, which would be jolly, unless Harper has his say on gay marriage.
Shadow: That's it, I'm getting the mail redirected to work. That'll learn ya. And don't be stealing my pop-beer funds just to help the needy. Although the HHH does have a nice ring to it, doesn't it?
Porny: Yup.

12/13/2005 9:33 AM  
Blogger Boo! said...

Can he legally take away their right to get married? It's legal now isn't it? And isn't it supposed to be impossible to take away a right once it's been made legal? I'm getting confused about this whole issue.

12/13/2005 9:14 PM  

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