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Saturday, April 22, 2006

Sexual Archetypes....No Wait, Fuck That.

And yes, it is a Friday night, and I am at home typing. And no, I do not care how long your line ups are, I don't have a free babysitter on Friday nights, and if I did, I sure as hell wouldn't waste it waiting in your line up. And yes, I did just watch Sexual Secrets on The Life Network, and hell ya, I took notes while doing so. And so you have:

Sexual Archetypes: Debunked
So there's ten archetypes of what constitutes the sexual being, you say? No matter what my addiction to t.v., I beg to differ. First and foremost, never trust a list of ten. Nothing fit's into even numbers in this world, not even sex. Next, well, fuck it. I forgot what I was gonna say. So lets just get on with this here list.

10) Lolita
This one's the Britney Spears of sex. (Early Britney, that be.) The sweet, innocent, virginal little thang that's just dying to hop on your pop and break down the Berlin Wall. She "brings out the dominant male."

Well I say, Good for her. Because men are too damn hard done by in this world. Women keep asserting themselves, saying shit like, "No honey, I think the Mayan Empire was in Mexico, not Africa," and generally making stupid men with no self-esteem feel, well, stupid.
Guess what? You are. Either pick up a book and learn something, or pick up a self-help book, and learn how to be wrong with grace. No matter how many virgins you lure into your bed, they will all, one day, grow up and move on.
Keep up with the Joneses, asshole.

9) Best Friend
This guy can't get none. He's too damn nice, and girls only fuck bad boys.

Um, no. It just doesn't work that way. Buying into the whole "girls fuck bad boys, befriend good boys" theory is buying into the whole "girls can't be friends with boys" theory. And that there would lead to the "girls can't network with boys" theory, and the "girls can't join the old boys club" theory. So that there's just not okay, because it assumes that the men who are currently in control only hire women so they can fuck them, therefore perpetuating the patriarchal system.

Let's make it more simple: Do you want to fuck a) your wife, b) your secretary, or c) your neighbour's wife the most?

Let's just assume that the fact that you're reading this probably means that you're kinda fond of your own wife. Can you see where there would be a problem if the only reason your secretary won't fuck you is because you've been labeled a "friend", and are therefore doomed? Yeah? So guess what: Just because you're capable of having a mature relationship with a woman despite the fact that neither of you a driven by the subcontious need to procreate like tse tse flies does not mean you're set for a life in the mano-convent.
Sometimes, you just don't want to fuck your friends. This does not mean you will never fuck again. The "Best Friend" is a myth. Even good guys get ass.

8) The Charmer
There's something to be said about a guy who always knows what to say, and when to say it. Girls don't necessarily believe him, but they do fall for him.

Excuse me? They don't believe him, but they fall for him? "You're a lying son of a bitch, but I think I love you"?!? Stop and give girls a bit more credit here. The Charmer is a lovely thing to have around, and they make great arm-candy for the female Charmer. Welcome to women's lib, gentlemen, here's where it's actually getting you laid. Thing is, the male charmer has been around for ages, but it's only been recently that his current label has won out over "The Sleaze" and "The Playboy: Stay Away From Him Or We're Cutting Off Your Inheritance", or, "The Sailor".
Women will fuck you. They know you've done your time, enough to (hopefully) have learned your way around the female genitalia, and they aren't really looking for more than sex right now. Eat it up, love it, and thank the Gods every day for the feminism that has made it possible for you to find women who actually enjoy sex. Don't go burning your bridges by either thinking you've 'duped' them in to fucking you, or that you're charm is so extraordinary that they love you to pieces.

They don't. They got laid. I hope it was good.

7) The Yummy Mummy
So they started this bit off with a section on how pregnant women can Actually Be Sexy!!!

Well, no shit. Personally when I was pregnant, all I wanted to do was fuck. And that's saying a lot, seeings as how I was living in a parking lot at the time. You'd a thunk I'd have had more pressing concerns to deal with, but no. Hormones won out, I wanted sex. Not a toilet, not a roof, not lighting, not a fridge. I just wanted to get laid.
Next, we move on to the mother figure.
I'm not even gonna go there: See 1) Lolita. Seek counseling. Grow a backbone. Or become:

6) The Lost Soul
These are the ultimate artists. They're passionate, romantic, and forever in turmoil.

And are the most insidious. See here: woman are attracted to the Lost Soul because they, "appeal to their feminine side," and, "bring out the nurturing nature," inherent in women.

No, they don't. They're fucking babies. They refuse to accept responsibility for their own actions, and can't live without they're "mommies" (if you find yourself repeatedly attracted to the motherfigure, take heed!!) to take care of them. The most frequently used excuse by women in abusive relationships is that their partner is a Lost Soul.

Fuck Lost Souls, be they women or men. My bad, don't fuck them. Sure, if they're friends or family, do anything you can to help them, but don't fuck them. Whatever you do, do not start a relationship with them. It ain't pretty.

5) The Librarian
She's passive and inhibited, until she finds a man who is willing to 'look beyond the glasses' and see what lies beneath.

Seriously, "Look beyond the glasses"? Like Clark Kent? You have to be kidding me. This whole, "Women who have brains are cold, but some are hot, but you can't tell which till you take their glasses off," thing is so old.

I'm not even gonna comment on the 'passive' part. No wait, yes I am. You sayin' smart girls keep their mouths shut? Well, not if they know what's good for them, they don't.

4) Female Boss
Dominatrix. Rival. Doesn't just take it.

Yet 'equal' isn't in there. And still, a woman can't even be your superior without being your sexual toy. Because that's what a dominatrix is: A toy.

And we're back to: Grow the fuck up, and grow a backbone.

3) Bad Boy
He's bad, he does bad shit, and that makes him hot. Or something.

Honestly, I don't know. Having spent my youth around "bad boys", and politely chuckling at how very "badass" they can be, I've got nothing. Maybe if you live in Northern Ontario, you'd find these "bad boys" a thrill, but other than that, meh. I mean, a 'bad boy' story should end with something original, shouldn't it? And for the most part, the only good stories I've heard have been from boys bragging about their exploits that I was in on. I've never met a 'bad boy' who wasn't completely generic. So you puked on a few cops. Who hasn't? Find a way to best, "So I was camping with a crew that picked me up hitchhiking outside of Brandon after I returned to Manitoba to get my favourite pants, having realized I left them there while performing and exocism on a pig barn in Southern Saskatchewan, after having left Winnipeg (the first time) due to the psycho with the whip, where I had originally ended up after a drunked spree which involved setting up tryouts for male strippers to be in our home made soap opera, which somehow turned into the camera woman being my mafia boss, which excuse we used to raid every single chocolate store in town, acquiring hundreds of dollars of gourmet chocolate as 'protection money', before my newfound mafia boss sent me to Manitoba (the first time) to find out whatever I could about the extent of the Telus Conspiracy.
'Bad boys,' you suck. The day I meet one of you that can actually stand up to one of us, is the day that I settle down. So don't even tell me how 'bad' you are, because if you really have mustered up that level of imagination, you're mine. Be warned.

2) A Swashbuckler
He's like, Fabio. Except with more of the Fab, and less of the bio.

No shit. Women still dream of this? Tell me, Life Network, how often do you update your research? Because that's just sad.

1) The Vamp
Considered the ultimate taboo. She exudes sexuality, is considered the ultimate sexual goal, yet is seen as, "Not for marriage."

Men: You can't really be that turned off by women who enjoy sex, can you? I didn't think so.

So here's the thing: The Vamp and the Charmer are not gender specific. Well, really, none of them are, but I'm gonna talk about these two right now. It's my blog, and I can do what I wanna, do what I wanna.....Thing is, you can't say one is one and the other is the other just based on what sex they are. And they mutate. Sometimes, people just want to get laid, and they don't care who they hurt while doing it. That'd be a charmer, whether male or female. Other times, people want sex, and friends, and family, and to enjoy life to the fullest. And they don't need to break other people to get what they want. That'd be a vamp, be they male or female.
Some people avoid intimacy outside of sex: Charmer.
Some people are willing to enjoy sex with a willing partner despite a mutual lack of long-term emotional attachment: Vamp.
Some people have sex knowing they would never hook up with that person: Charmer.
Some people have sex knowing they may not choose to hook up with that person: Vamp.
Some people need sex to make themselves feel good: Charmer.
Some people like sex because it feels good: Vamp.


And fuck it, that's it. I'm not spell checking my way through this list of "fuck", "motherfucker" et. al, so deal with the typos. I'm going to bed.

Yup. That's it.

6 Comments:

Blogger Boo! said...

I've had all the kids I'm going to have and men are just toys to me now. Where do I fit in in the grand scheme of things? I like the vamp but I think two kids and a booger-covered shoulder detract from the allure. Just a bit.

4/24/2006 7:11 PM  
Blogger Impulsivecompulsive said...

Don't fit into the grand scheme of things. Don't try to meld yourself into some warped prototype of what sexuality ought to be, or try to attract some man that want's to either make you into his cookie cutout sexual fantasy, or fools himself into thinking you're that cookie cutout sexual fantasy. And don't do the converse to men, either.

4/25/2006 3:52 PM  
Blogger Boo! said...

You know I was joking, right?

4/25/2006 9:48 PM  
Blogger Boo! said...

Oh, and...

I'M STILL A STUDENT!!!!!!!!

!!!

4/25/2006 9:48 PM  
Blogger Impulsivecompulsive said...

Apparently I did not. (About the 'where do I fit in' part, I knew you were joking about the 'so which one am I' part)
Yeah, sounds like splitting hairs, but it is two completely different jokes. And yeah, I didn't pick up on it.

And, Congrats!

4/26/2006 7:45 AM  
Blogger Broken Angel said...

I think I'll try all of them. What the heck, isn't life just one big sensual buffet? Actually if you mixed them all together, and followed the rules very carefully like they tell you to, you'd get the perfect woman. For a blow up doll.

5/28/2006 6:40 AM  

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