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Thursday, May 11, 2006

An Open Letter To Pro-Life Activists:


Jesus Hates You.

You know it, I know it. It's time you accept it. Jesus may be some dead preacher with a penchant for metaphor, but even so, he's rolling over in his grave at the sight of your "I Love Missisauga" baggy assed t-shirts, and your cheap assed wannabe mullets.

Jesus is pretty fucking disgusted that you've allied yourselves with him.
Yeah, you know that kid in junior high, the one who thought ya'll were friends, but you were just too nice to tell to fuck off? The one that you'd put up with when no one else was around, but you'd avoid like the plague when ever any one else was around?
To Jesus, you're that kid.

Don't go announcing yourself there, with your fetish for sinking your gnarled, fungal nails into other peoples uteruses. Eventually, Jesus is gonna have to acknowledge you're constant sidling up to his table in the lunchroom, and he's gonna snap.
(And lemme tell ya, it's never pretty when the dumb fuck finds out that their idol feels nothing more than a deep, long-abiding disgust for them.)

Yeah, I realize it's hard for you. Nothing like living your life being told that your worthless if your not loved, and loved by one particular man only. Jesus don't got much love to give, what with being dead and all. And even if he wasn't, he sure as shit wouldn't be spreading that love your way. Why, you say? Well let me count the ways:

1) Jesus has a lot of demands on his time. He's got people left, right and center who'd do just about anything for a five minute interview, let alone a reciprocation of that "undying love" you say you've got to give. The man's gotta be picky. Hell, who wouldn't be, in his situation? Fuck, I'd be picky in my situation if I had an ounce of brains, and I'm a motherfucking single mother/college student. Just imagine for a minute how picky I'd be if I had a couple billion people lusting over me. Pretty fucking picky, that's how.
That's right, you've just been cut. Thanks for coming out, now go find a new religion to suck up to. Jesus has bigger fish to fry than your sorry ass.

2) Jesus doesn't give a fuck about Missisauga. He can't spell it, he don't like it. Jesus really hates Hamilton, but you there in Missisauga; you're not much better off. Jesus don't like smog. He don't like pollution. Think: The man commuted by donkey for fuck's sake. Your dashboard factory days are killing your odds of meeting with the Big J.
He also hates mosquitoes. And he doesn't differentiate between damp and dank. Missisauga sucks (Although still not as much as Hamilton). So if you live there, or anywhere else in Southern Ontario for that matter, you're off the list. Jesus doesn't have time for your sorry ass. Quit trying, and start living up to some real standards of decency and morality. The second coming ain't coming your way.

3) Jesus is not going to sit his ass down on your Martha Stewart line, Tropicana patterned sectional. He's not gonna drink your weak assed tea, and listen to you revel over how Joan Across The Street has put on more weight than you. Jesus also does not give a fuck about Joan. Jesus is certainly not going to eat that same bumbleberry pie - family recipe or not - that you fed to Joan, while counting the slices she jammed down her gullet so you could spread the news to all the other locals.
Your bumbleberry pie sucks. The crust is dry, and the only reason no one's told you before is because they know that it's all you have going for you.
It doesn't matter how long you spent on that pie; Jesus has better shit to do. Like make poor people be not as poor, and dead people be not as dead, and banks give fair interest rates on savings accounts. Your petty gossip and crappy pie does not fit in the itinerary of the Jesus Reunion Tour.

4) You annoy Jesus. See, there's four types of decision makers, and Jesus fits into the Director/Lion type. Big on leading, low on whining. Jesus just wants to get shit done, solve some problems, and do it without getting into all the details about how this'll fuck up his schedule and screw with his manicure. Jesus doesn't want to hold a focus group on how we all feel about leprosy, he wants to wipe that shit right off the planet.
Come to think of it, Jesus kinda wants to bitch slap you right now. Don't take it personally, directors are known for that.

5) Jesus does not give a flying fuck about how you feel about other peoples uteruses. If there's anything Jesus can spot a mile away, it's a slacker. And the best way to slack is to sit around finding new ways to make shit other peoples problem. Jesus doesn't buy that shit. You got a problem, solve it. Your neighbour's got a problem, offer whatever you can to help them through that shit. Your neighbour's best friend's son's dog's mother's owner's cousin's got a problem, well help them the fuck through that shit. Don't be asserting your control over other peoples shit. Or eggs. Or semen. Or any combination of the above.
Seriously, you expect Jesus to come to your rescue when the motherfucking washing machine breaks down, you damn well better be willing to put in the time to make that shit worthwhile for him. He ain't gonna fix your dryer if you ain't gonna at least cure cervical cancer. It's easy. Pass out a couple of fucking vaccinations, and your done. You have all this time on your hands to protest on behalf of the zygotes, why not take it to the next level and actually do something for people that are already living, kicking, independent beings in their own rights?

5) Jesus knows that the only time your money is where your mouth is there's McDonalds involved. How many foster kids you got? What, to broke/old/busy to adopt/foster? Well, fuck you too. You expect salvation from Jesus, yet you can't even live up to what you expect from the nearest pregnant woman? Don't be slapping his name on that. He don't like it. You want poor people to be forced to raise babies, well, adopt ten of the little shits. You'll be poor, you'll have babies. Done and done.

6) Jesus is deeply disturbed by your obsession with other peoples sex lives. Jesus feels this may be a real problem for you. Jesus does not remember anything about going on and on and on and on about who's getting laid, with who, and with what parts. Jesus feels you may need to just fuck and get over it.
Otherwise, Jesus strongly recommends a Rabbit Pearl, although Jesus also would like to dissuade you from buying the floor model, as it may not last that long.
Jesus also recommends starting a toy company that offers warranties. Jesus feels this may be a good business investment.

And there it is. You've spent your whole lives vying for the love of this guy, and it ain't gonna happen. You're too demanding. You don't reciprocate. And you're probably from Missisauga. Basically, You're Fucked.

You still want the love of the Big J? Well, start living up to that shit. Add a fun little clause to that anti-abortion campaign you've got going on. You know, that clause that states that you're not allowed to be anti-choice unless you're willing to be chosen by others, at random, against your will, to raise a child. And support a pregnant woman for nine months prior. And heck, if she should die in childbirth, throw in some hari-kari while your at it.

Then move on to shit that Jesus actually gave a fuck about. Like ending poverty, and disease, and making people live decent, human lives, regardless of race, class, sex or religion.

Then maybe Jesus will look twice at you. But just maybe.
And if you're still wearing that ugly assed t-shirt and haven't done anything about that fungus, he's not contemplating small-talk over a latte. Seriously. Deal with that shit.

10 Comments:

Blogger Boo! said...

What happened in Missisauga? I feel like I'm missing out on something.

5/12/2006 4:12 PM  
Blogger Impulsivecompulsive said...

Nah. There was a protest yesterday as the conservative gov't is actually living up to it's promise not to fuck with abortion legislation. One of the protestors was wearing a Missisauga t-shirt, and I kinda latched on to it as a)I was drunk, and b)When I'm drunk, I tend to develop tunnel vision, and c)I just really don't like Missisauga.

It's still better than Hamilton, though.

5/12/2006 4:35 PM  
Blogger Boo! said...

I just loooove it when people think they can order the government to tell the rest of us what we can and cannot do with our very own bodies.

5/12/2006 6:32 PM  
Blogger shadow of a doubt said...

afuckin' pplause. Brilliant! As a closet christian I'd take that to the pulpit anyday. Oh, bono's visiting broadway church this month, ( via satellite) Whatdya' say we perform this little diddy to the tune of Numb.

5/14/2006 11:14 PM  
Blogger Contract Attorney said...

This is without a doubt one of the funniest fucking blogs I've read in a long time. My co-workers thought I'd lost my mind I was laughing so hard. Well said! I have often wondered just how many children pro-lifers have adopted. I really think it's a negative number! So, what would Jesus do? He'd let you live your life and make your choices and deal with the consequences. And, like a good Christian (it's his religion after all), he would support you no matter what! That's what Jesus would do!

5/15/2006 6:52 PM  
Blogger Impulsivecompulsive said...

Shadow: Celebrity appearance at the church? Good to know it's about keeping the faith and listening to God's word. If you think Bono is god, that is. WTF?

Contract Attourney: Thanks! And yeah, my knowledge of the bible may be hazy, but I'm pretty sure you've just nailed what Jesus would do right there on the head. Funny that the people who pull this shit 'in the name of Jesus' seem to forget that.

5/16/2006 8:20 AM  
Blogger Broken Angel said...

LOL...I think I love you. Actually, it is a little known fact that Jesus actually hates everybody east and south of BC, and the Easter Bunny REALLY fucking hates anti-choice losers too. He's the Only one Officially Designated to deal with other people's eggs, so Jesus allows him to go out and beat the fuck out of these losers on Easter, if he gets the eggs done on time. That's the real reason why the Easter Bunny is so damn quick. Also, as he has been known to be part of a clan that is big on lots and lots of sex and free will, he gets a little sensitive about the whole anti-choice shit. Not to mention how much work it is for a bunny to be laying eggs in the first place - he'll do what the hell he wants with them. Santa doesn't hate them though, but that's just because there isn't a Santa Clause, because everybody else in the world hates them too. ;)A

5/25/2006 9:01 AM  
Blogger Impulsivecompulsive said...

Broken Angel: He's the Only one Officially Designated to deal with other people's eggs...
But of course! There's definately something deep and meaningful in there. I need time to absorb the full potential of that.

5/26/2006 9:43 AM  
Blogger Broken Angel said...

Actually, I just recently learned the truth myself. There's a very funny blog on blogger called Paper Airplanes, and he has a video on there from utube called The Easter Bunny Hates You, and it shows actual footage of him beating the crap out of losers on Easter after he's done handing out the eggs. It's really quite funny. Unfortunately, the guy who took the video was from Surrey, then moved to Missisauga, so he was also very badly beaten...of course. LOL ;)A

5/26/2006 4:12 PM  
Blogger Broken Angel said...

oops, maybe blog spot, I'm a little confused...

5/28/2006 6:17 AM  

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