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Location: British Columbia, Canada

Yeah. I got nothin.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

No Means No Q & A

But first, some advice for the police of New West: Get snow tires. You never know when you might need them, like say, right now, as you slowly slide your way down the street, lights flashing all policy like. You ain't gettin' nowhere guys. That's just sad. If the rear end of your car keeps attempting to race the front end, you've got problems.

Now on to the main point. There seems to be some problems with the No Means No concept. Round these parts, it's not so much a problem of, "But I just don't buy that answer," as a problem of, "What to do about the rare minority that actually means yes." And of course, I'm loaded down with answers for you. Five of them, to be precise.

First, and most pertinent to the bar pickup situation, just about the easiest thing you can do is... Take the easy way out! Take "No" at face value. We're not so big on generalizations here, whether they be about minorities, women, religions, (and no, that doesn't mean I'm gonna stop mocking Christian wingnuts, it's just to damn easy), so if a subfaction of women mean Yes when they say No, that shouldn't reflect on the majority. Done deal. No. Out. Movin' on. It's safe, it's easy, and you don't even have to waste time wondering.

Now, working with the theory that there are women who say No when they mean Yes, and you really are going to get in shit for not figuring out that No means Yes, and will suffer the consequences? That there would be time to take up the woman's mantra, repeated over many a double skim mochacinno, "Girl (boy), you're to good for that shit anyway. Best you learned early, before you wasted anymore time on that ass (ass)." So maybe there are women out there who mean Yes. Do you really want to go there? I didn't think so.

Of course, this whole thing changes up once you get to know someone. Now that we've come to the happy conclusion that women really aren't your property, and, lo and behold! still have some say over there sexuality even after some level of commitment to a man, No isn't so easily defined. Sure, No means no, but if you're wife says No because she's freakin' exhausted and cranky, that probably doesn't mean never touch her again, ever, forever. Problems, problems. And this is where the real yelling is most likely to occur. Here's the point where you might want to move beyond the No, and listen to the Words. Take a couple of examples here:

It's your first/third/tenth date, and you get a kiss good night at the door, which moves it's way into the entry, which gradually backs down the hall, knocking down numerous family portraits in it's progress, and eases into the living room and onto the couch (barring passed out roommates, visiting parents, or gossipy babysitters, that is). But at the couch, progress is stopped by a, "this is moving to fast." Does that mean No? Sure thang! But my guess is, if you react with a muttered, "Right. To fast. I'm out." and bolt for the door, well, that relationship just stopped right in it's tracks now, didn't it? And chances are you dodged some missiles on your way out too.

How about this? Your wife walks in, throws herself at the couch, and hucks her shoes at a random cat that looks like it deserved it. You snuggle, then Snuggle, then she says, "Look, I just got off work, I'm tired, I fucking stink, and my head is killing me." Does this mean No? Once again, yes. But if you react by flipping on sports center with the volume cranked and passively wait for your dinner, oh you're gonna pay.

So what does no mean?
Stop what you've been told to stop doing. In the bar case, that usually means making any sort of contact whatsoever. But if you have any vested interest in someone, it probably refers to a specific action at a specific time. And if your response is to bail completely, well it's kinda gonna come off like you're just in it for the sex. And that's when you're gonna get hurt. Badly.

So how far should you back off? Well, if the answer's not clear right in the No, you might try a little communication. Date? "Sure thing. You must be tired, want me to make some coffee, or should I get out, so you can get some rest?" Wife? "Tylonol? Bubble bath? Or I could order in some butter chicken, and we could just flop. Whatcha figure?"

And you never know, sometimes No means right now, but not once I've had some time to relax/think about it/get over my freakishly shitty commute. And you don't want to fuck up that opportunity, do you? Hell, no, I say.

Okay, so we've got four points down, so let's reiterate:
1)Realize that what a minority of a group does need not apply to the group as a whole. No usually means no. Run with it.
2)If No means head games, you don't need that anyway. Move on. Go with no.
3)When involved with the naysayer, take the version of No you hear at its face value. Not "no sex here, move along, move along," but, "No sex here, now gimme a foot massage and a creme brulee."
4)When in doubt as to the exact applications of No, ask. (But put on the brakes first.)

Remember that points three and four do not apply to pickups. Then, No should always mean a big fat No.

Hmmm. Okay then. I see you've got a problem with this. I saw you nodding your way through point one, then do that head tip, thinkin' about it thing for point two, then back to more vehement nodding for point three and four. And that head tip turned into a rather vocal sigh when I reiterated point two, didn't it? Those point two girls are really bothering you aren't they? Those ones that want to be convinced, don't want to admit that they really want you.

Well, I have an answer for that too. Reduce their numbers. All it takes is a little violence on your part. Oh yeah, get out the punching bag, and work on your back hand slap across the face, cause you're gonna need it. Holy crap, where the hell is she going with this?
Here's the deal: Every time one of your boys says, "Yeah, I slept with that slut," slap him. Just do it. Keep it up, after a while it'll be a reflex action. That lawyer that uses the, "Well, she's no virgin," tactic to get his boy off the rape charges could use a good smack up side the head too. Sure, hit a lawyer you're gonna get sued, but it's for a good cause. What else are you going to do with that rainy day fund anyway? Oh, and that guy in your office who brags about how many "whores" he's done, him too. Cause as long as there's guys running around saying that girls are skanks if they enjoy sex, there's gonna be girls who retaliate by pretending not to enjoy sex. If those guys actually lived by the rules that they feel the need to try to impose on women, there wouldn't be a problem. They started it, so blame them, vocally and/or violently. It's a service to the entire world of copulation. Those girls are damn near an urban legend, so do your job to wipe that legend out, by ditching any reason for women to feel the need to act that way. Then you'll never have to worry about whether that No really meant Yes.

And hey, who can resist a little ass kicking for the greater good?


Blogger Maine said...

All makes sense to me, though I might suggest that some sort of handbook get distributed so we have something to refer to on the fly.

Re: Ignoring the small minority of head cases?

This is easy for some, but nearly impossible for others. In some small towns near where I live (translation: conservative patriarchy central), women are raised to feel like shit. They get all the double standards you'd expect, and are generally made out to feel like whores if they kiss more than one boy a month. Fair? No - but that ain't my town, so there's only so much I can do about it.

Now... in these places, the minority tends to become the majority out of social pressure. Nobody's happy about it aside from the old men, but this is how it is.

How would you suggest that a young man handle this one? If he just takes no as no, then he almost never ever gets laid until he moves to California and meets normal, non-oppressed women. Suggestion?

(And thank you for these nuggets - this needs to be documented...)

3/10/2006 5:52 AM  
Blogger Impulsivecompulsive said...

I'd say their only option is to marry as soon as possible in the hopes of solving that problem.

Well, no, but I spent two months in a town (pop. 1050) one summer. Went back five yrs later, and everyone remembered me. Kinda freaky. So I can see where the terror of making a name for yourself would set in.

So yeah, guys pretty much have to options: be respectful and take no as no, risking the possibility of never getting laid in their lives, or turn asshole and assume every girl really, really wants a peice of them, risking the possibility of a lawsuit down the road.

Sucks to have a vagina used against you, hey?

But if it's any consolation to the small town boys out there, taking no as no is respectful. Since girls may say no for fear of losing respect, well, that there's half the battle.

On the other hand, the nice thing about small towns is that there's usually small circles of easily influenced people. You ever said something incredibly stupid, then had half the room agree with you? And that big sigh of releif that comes from everyone who thought they were the only one?

I'll bet, "You know, I really like sex, and I like sex better with girls who like sex. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty freakin' grateful to know that a girl actually wants to have sex with me. Not disgusted," would probably have that effect. Get some small town infiltrators to give that a go. Guerrilla sexuality. Yay!

3/11/2006 12:49 PM  
Blogger Socialist Swine said...

Are we (small town guys) really that bad? Now there are some guys I grew up with who really need a good smack upside the head, but from your post I'm guessing you've had regular problems with guys who get too frisky for their own good.

-Socialist Swine

3/11/2006 6:21 PM  
Blogger Impulsivecompulsive said...

SS: The problem isn't small town guys, the problem with small towns is that they can more easily foster an environment where such an attitude is acceptable, or even mandatory. With small towns, if you violate the social rules of the group, you don't have the choice of simply leaving the group and finding a new one, since the group is the town as a whole. You're stuck with what you've got, unless you leave town. Still, it depends on the small town, and it depends on the person.

When it comes to individual guys, it's not frisky guys I have a problem with, it's the fact that it's considered acceptable. "He's just being a jerk," is about all you'll get, unless a girls in a relationship, at which point her boyfriend/husband is allowed to intervene on behalf of his property. (Not girlfriend, of course. Lesbians are considered perpetually single, and up for grabs by any guy with a functioning fantasy life.)

Come to think of it, as I write this, I realize that I may need much, much more coffee in me to make any sense. Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm rambling right now.

Movin' on.

3/13/2006 7:25 AM  
Blogger Boo! said...

I think this article illustrates Impulsive's point nicely.

3/14/2006 7:38 AM  
Blogger Impulsivecompulsive said...

Yup. That'd just about do it. Right on the head, I'd say.

3/15/2006 8:34 AM  

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