No Means No Q & A

But first, some advice for the police of New West: Get snow tires. You never know when you might need them, like say, right now, as you slowly slide your way down the street, lights flashing all policy like. You ain't gettin' nowhere guys. That's just sad. If the rear end of your car keeps attempting to race the front end, you've got problems.

Now on to the main point. There seems to be some problems with the No Means No concept. Round these parts, it's not so much a problem of, "But I just don't buy that answer," as a problem of, "What to do about the rare minority that actually means yes." And of course, I'm loaded down with answers for you. Five of them, to be precise.

First, and most pertinent to the bar pickup situation, just about the easiest thing you can do is... Take the easy way out! Take "No" at face value. We're not so big on generalizations here, whether they be about minorities, women, religions, (and no, that doesn't mean I'm gonna stop mocking Christian wingnuts, it's just to damn easy), so if a subfaction of women mean Yes when they say No, that shouldn't reflect on the majority. Done deal. No. Out. Movin' on. It's safe, it's easy, and you don't even have to waste time wondering.

Now, working with the theory that there are women who say No when they mean Yes, and you really are going to get in shit for not figuring out that No means Yes, and will suffer the consequences? That there would be time to take up the woman's mantra, repeated over many a double skim mochacinno, "Girl (boy), you're to good for that shit anyway. Best you learned early, before you wasted anymore time on that ass (ass)." So maybe there are women out there who mean Yes. Do you really want to go there? I didn't think so.

Of course, this whole thing changes up once you get to know someone. Now that we've come to the happy conclusion that women really aren't your property, and, lo and behold! still have some say over there sexuality even after some level of commitment to a man, No isn't so easily defined. Sure, No means no, but if you're wife says No because she's freakin' exhausted and cranky, that probably doesn't mean never touch her again, ever, forever. Problems, problems. And this is where the real yelling is most likely to occur. Here's the point where you might want to move beyond the No, and listen to the Words. Take a couple of examples here:

It's your first/third/tenth date, and you get a kiss good night at the door, which moves it's way into the entry, which gradually backs down the hall, knocking down numerous family portraits in it's progress, and eases into the living room and onto the couch (barring passed out roommates, visiting parents, or gossipy babysitters, that is). But at the couch, progress is stopped by a, "this is moving to fast." Does that mean No? Sure thang! But my guess is, if you react with a muttered, "Right. To fast. I'm out." and bolt for the door, well, that relationship just stopped right in it's tracks now, didn't it? And chances are you dodged some missiles on your way out too.

How about this? Your wife walks in, throws herself at the couch, and hucks her shoes at a random cat that looks like it deserved it. You snuggle, then Snuggle, then she says, "Look, I just got off work, I'm tired, I fucking stink, and my head is killing me." Does this mean No? Once again, yes. But if you react by flipping on sports center with the volume cranked and passively wait for your dinner, oh you're gonna pay.

So what does no mean?
Stop what you've been told to stop doing. In the bar case, that usually means making any sort of contact whatsoever. But if you have any vested interest in someone, it probably refers to a specific action at a specific time. And if your response is to bail completely, well it's kinda gonna come off like you're just in it for the sex. And that's when you're gonna get hurt. Badly.

So how far should you back off? Well, if the answer's not clear right in the No, you might try a little communication. Date? "Sure thing. You must be tired, want me to make some coffee, or should I get out, so you can get some rest?" Wife? "Tylonol? Bubble bath? Or I could order in some butter chicken, and we could just flop. Whatcha figure?"

And you never know, sometimes No means right now, but not once I've had some time to relax/think about it/get over my freakishly shitty commute. And you don't want to fuck up that opportunity, do you? Hell, no, I say.

Okay, so we've got four points down, so let's reiterate:
1)Realize that what a minority of a group does need not apply to the group as a whole. No usually means no. Run with it.
2)If No means head games, you don't need that anyway. Move on. Go with no.
3)When involved with the naysayer, take the version of No you hear at its face value. Not "no sex here, move along, move along," but, "No sex here, now gimme a foot massage and a creme brulee."
4)When in doubt as to the exact applications of No, ask. (But put on the brakes first.)

Remember that points three and four do not apply to pickups. Then, No should always mean a big fat No.

Hmmm. Okay then. I see you've got a problem with this. I saw you nodding your way through point one, then do that head tip, thinkin' about it thing for point two, then back to more vehement nodding for point three and four. And that head tip turned into a rather vocal sigh when I reiterated point two, didn't it? Those point two girls are really bothering you aren't they? Those ones that want to be convinced, don't want to admit that they really want you.

Well, I have an answer for that too. Reduce their numbers. All it takes is a little violence on your part. Oh yeah, get out the punching bag, and work on your back hand slap across the face, cause you're gonna need it. Holy crap, where the hell is she going with this?
Here's the deal: Every time one of your boys says, "Yeah, I slept with that slut," slap him. Just do it. Keep it up, after a while it'll be a reflex action. That lawyer that uses the, "Well, she's no virgin," tactic to get his boy off the rape charges could use a good smack up side the head too. Sure, hit a lawyer you're gonna get sued, but it's for a good cause. What else are you going to do with that rainy day fund anyway? Oh, and that guy in your office who brags about how many "whores" he's done, him too. Cause as long as there's guys running around saying that girls are skanks if they enjoy sex, there's gonna be girls who retaliate by pretending not to enjoy sex. If those guys actually lived by the rules that they feel the need to try to impose on women, there wouldn't be a problem. They started it, so blame them, vocally and/or violently. It's a service to the entire world of copulation. Those girls are damn near an urban legend, so do your job to wipe that legend out, by ditching any reason for women to feel the need to act that way. Then you'll never have to worry about whether that No really meant Yes.

And hey, who can resist a little ass kicking for the greater good?