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Location: British Columbia, Canada

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Thursday, February 02, 2006

Adviceful

So now that for this current semester I'm *ahem* top of my class....

Oh shit, did that sound like bragging? Because we can't have that now can we? That would be wrong....

Carrying on....
The repercussions are that I'm pretty sure I'm qualified to dose out advice to anyone, anywhere, on anything.
And yes, that includes fictional characters and t.v. wannabe's.


So:

  1. To the people who go on Survivor: Do you have any concept of preparation? Seriously, it's not like you've never watched the show before. You expect to cope on a desert island, and you can't even get off your lazy asses to hit the library and get a book on wilderness survival. It can't be that fucking hard to figure out, just look that shit up.
  2. Still you, Survivor dipshits: Pack. Make a list before you pack. Then check off the items you pack after they're packed. How many of you get voted out because you fuck up some challenge when you lose a boob? Did you honestly forget any shirt or bathing suit that you can bend over in without popping out? Not to mention; sunscreen or base tan. One or the other. Cause that can't be comfy. Especially on your continously popping tits.
  3. Harrison Ford: Sure, Firewall looks all traumatizing and shit, but honestly buddy, do you expect us to believe that some guy's threatening to kill your wife and kids, and all you care about is saving the bank? I'm pretty sure they're insured against theft there, genius. Think about it.
  4. The guy in that car ad that keeps seeing himself in the drivers seat of the cars he walks by: Do not take the fact that you keep bumping into yourself on the street as a reason to buy the car. Invest that money in a well qualified psychiatrist. And I hope you've got extended medical, cause you're going to need a lot of meds. Never trust yourself when your not in your own body.
  5. To the kid on the bus with the cranked eighties style ghetto blaster: You wanna rebel? Try doing your own laundry, kid. That'd show 'em. Otherwise, you're pretty much screwed. You're a little white boy with bad, bad acne from Suburban hell. Get over it. We all know your mom bought you that hoodie.

Yeah, that's all I got. But my reading break starts right now, which means I have one full week off to do.....shit! Or stuff! Or maybe even something else!

Joy.

Oh, one late addition:

  • My Cat: Would you just stay the fuck out of the fish tanks? Please. I give you water to drink, I have perfectly good furniture you can sleep on, why do you insist on using the fishtanks to meet all of your living needs? One of these days I'm getting pirahnas.

2 Comments:

Blogger Maine said...

Re: Survivor?

How about loading up on carbs a few weeks before you go, too? After 40 days, some of these skinny girls end up looking like they spent the summer in Dachau. That's not helping them run those gauntlets any faster...

2/04/2006 6:00 AM  
Blogger Impulsivecompulsive said...

Maine: That's a good one. And those hardcore people that work out constantly? They should take a couple of weeks break. They're the ones who keel over because their metabolisms are so jacked up.

I once watched a friend who was built like a brick shit house try to do a cleanse, (where you live off some rancid concoction for a week). It wasn't pretty. He was dizzy and nauseous by lunch time on day one.

2/04/2006 10:11 AM  

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