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Location: British Columbia, Canada

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Friday, October 14, 2005

On Affection

There's nothing more obnoxious than when someone tells you something about yourself that's true. The Spiritualist has a bad habit of doing this to me.

So, yes, I don't really show affection. It just doesn't happen. I just don't think of it. I don't tell people I love them, I don't offer random hugs to anyone who might happen to cross my path, I don't do whatever it is that affectionate people do.
That came out badly. Just because I don't show affection doesn't mean I'm not affectionate, I just don't follow through on the physical gestures that are supposed to go with being affectionate.
I care about the people I'm around. If I don't care about them, I just don't stay around them. That should be clear for anyone who knows me. So why should I try to force a personality trait that I never developed to prove that I care about people? Shouldn't those who know me know me well enough to know that if I didn't feel affection for them, I would just unknow them?
I can't learn how to be openly affectionate. I'm not young anymore. I have a four year old daughter, I'm in school, I'm too tired to force myself to act in ways that make me feel akward, I've never been a good actress. And it's not like I draw back from those who are physically or verbally affectionate, I'm just not much of an instigator. I'm pretty sure I don't draw back from affection.
Why does it have to be my problem, anyway? I'm tired. Why am I the one who's supposed to be reaching out to everyone else?

I suppose this is bothering me because it's one of those things that I keep hearing over and over again, five years ago, ten years ago, The Spiritualist is bad for bringing up these types of things.
I suppose this is bothering me because it's one of those things that kept coming up in my relationships, and I'm feeling horribly alone right now. Being on house arrest as of seven (The Kid's bedtime) every night makes it difficult for me to avoid myself, I seem to be the only one there.
Don't know why I'm posting about this. Doesn't really matter anyway, this is the pointless, meaningless post from hell.
At least it's fairly short.


Blogger shadow of a doubt said...

yeah, well, thank god for affection selection. When you do pull out the affection, it has meaning. Not just some random, fill in the blank "gotta like me cuz I am showin' you love" display, that is menial part of human relations. This reminds me of people calling eachother sweetie, dear or hun. I am neither. Don't raise expectations of me, I say. Your affection selection shows the quality your choice of expression. To beat a dead horse, this subject reminds me of the word brilliant. Tonight, I am taking a god damn pizza order, and when I repeat it back to the customer he replies, "brilliant". Brilliance should be reserved for when it is deserved. What other word can adequately express a moment of utter genius. I don't know. But now, brilliant seems so ordinary. Not unlike overuse of affection. What is it gonna come down to when we want to show someone just how much we think they are awesome. Sincerity is even harder to come by than affection from you impulsive.

10/15/2005 12:44 AM  
Blogger Matt said...

Actually I have the same problem. I FEEL affection, but it just doesn't translate into a specific set of social gestures. I always prefer to just verbalize my feelings, state things bluntly. I'll say, "I am affectionate towards you," instead of hugging someone, and people get a little pissed off about it. They want us to mimic they're little gestural language and it just ain't happening for some of us. Even though the problem is theirs...they should be secure enough to not need additional reinforcement (hugs and such)'s still frustrating to feel sort of out of the loop. My solution? Booze. The drinky. (I am so not helpful).

10/15/2005 3:20 AM  
Blogger Impulsivecompulsive said...

Shadow, I take that to mean that sincerity (from other people) is harder to come by than affection from me, right? (Just buggin' ya, I had to read that last sentence twice.)
Matt, no, booze is an excellent solution. And it does wonders for me expressing completely false displays of affection too. I love the bartender. I love the waitress. I love the guy I'm playing pool with. And I will give each and every person in the pub a hug before I leave.

10/15/2005 9:15 AM  
Blogger Boo! said...

I'm with you on this. I don't think I even really discuss affection unless someone else brings it up first. Talking about and showing affection is too much like stepping outside myself, if that makes any sense at all. Unless I'm drunk, but that doesn't count.

10/15/2005 9:23 PM  
Blogger PornStar said...

i had something to say but the bottle of wine i drank got in the way so will say it ya babes :)...see i can be affectionate when tipsy ...

10/15/2005 11:06 PM  

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